It’s been a confusing month. Ups and downs, buddy.
I haven’t written anything in a long time. I don’t know if I could still write as well as I could. Not that I was any good.
Some days I feel really confident in myself. I would tell myself that, I have a great command of English. So much more than anyone in the company. Maybe only second best but I would like to think that I’m really good already.
It’s truly strange to be one of the best in a place. So, I tell myself every day that I’m much better than I give myself credit for. I’m not that bad.
But hey, there are still days when I feel absolute shit about what I’m doing and have done.
I’m not perfect. I want to be the best for everyone. In the process, I entirely forgot about myself. I strive to please others but what about me?
I tend to forget about myself. It sucks. There’s so much more to life than to make other people happy, right?
I don’t know how to remind myself that every single day.
I had a rough weekend. There were so much shame and guilt that I do not deserve yet I kept giving myself.
On top of that, my personal life isn’t that fancy either. Money is a constant worry now. Actually, I don’t have to be worry about it. I have enough, really. I’m just too stingy I guess.
I also have to stop working too closely with certain someone. I admire that person. Maybe a little too much. I would say that it’s a crush but I’m attached and he has absolutely no interest in me haha. So, I really shouldn’t treat him even as a friend.
He’s first and foremost, my co-worker.
It’s confusing. I feel as if I’m catching up to my teen way too late. I shouldn’t even be having stupid crushes at this age. Maybe because it’s the first time I had such a crush that’s why I’m confused? Who knows.
Every day when I leave work, I feel so ashamed of my interactions with said person. My inner monologues always go “I shouldn’t have reacted that way” “I shouldn’t have said that” ” I shouldn’t have done that” “I shouldn’t have felt that”.
Stop it. Stop it already. It’s a stupid crush and nothing will ever happen. Let’s just be kind to each other and work well together. Work is work.
On the other hand, I’m so confused as to what I want to do with my life. I don’t really want to work here for the rest of my life. It’s really a waste of my potential, I’d dare say.
I’ve been looking at other jobs that I think I could do somehow. Maybe this, maybe that. Somehow I feel this company is going to have a huge shift and it could be bad for my working environment.
Who knows. For now, I should enjoy everything that is good in my work. The money isn’t great but hey, at least I’m having so much more fun here than at my previous job.
I guess I just need a constant reminder that that there isn’t anything that I could plan for the future that can guarantee the outcome that I want. And that life’s circumstances are really unexpected.
For now, I’m happy with work, with T; and mostly, with myself. Well, sometimes.