Slow

It’s been a confusing month. Ups and downs, buddy.

I haven’t written anything in a long time. I don’t know if I could still write as well as I could. Not that I was any good.

Some days I feel really confident in myself. I would tell myself that, I have a great command of English. So much more than anyone in the company. Maybe only second best but I would like to think that I’m really good already.

It’s truly strange to be one of the best in a place. So, I tell myself every day that I’m much better than I give myself credit for. I’m not that bad.

But hey, there are still days when I feel absolute shit about what I’m doing and have done.

I’m not perfect. I want to be the best for everyone. In the process, I entirely forgot about myself. I strive to please others but what about me?

I tend to forget about myself. It sucks. There’s so much more to life than to make other people happy, right?

I don’t know how to remind myself that every single day.

I had a rough weekend. There were so much shame and guilt that I do not deserve yet I kept giving myself.

On top of that, my personal life isn’t that fancy either. Money is a constant worry now. Actually, I don’t have to be worry about it. I have enough, really. I’m just too stingy I guess.

I also have to stop working too closely with certain someone. I admire that person. Maybe a little too much. I would say that it’s a crush but I’m attached and he has absolutely no interest in me haha. So, I really shouldn’t treat him even as a friend.

He’s first and foremost, my co-worker.

It’s confusing. I feel as if I’m catching up to my teen way too late. I shouldn’t even be having stupid crushes at this age. Maybe because it’s the first time I had such a crush that’s why I’m confused? Who knows.

Every day when I leave work, I feel so ashamed of my interactions with said person. My inner monologues always go “I shouldn’t have reacted that way” “I shouldn’t have said that” ” I shouldn’t have done that” “I shouldn’t have felt that”.

Stop it. Stop it already. It’s a stupid crush and nothing will ever happen. Let’s just be kind to each other and work well together. Work is work.

On the other hand, I’m so confused as to what I want to do with my life. I don’t really want to work here for the rest of my life. It’s really a waste of my potential, I’d dare say.

I’ve been looking at other jobs that I think I could do somehow. Maybe this, maybe that. Somehow I feel this company is going to have a huge shift and it could be bad for my working environment.

Who knows. For now, I should enjoy everything that is good in my work. The money isn’t great but hey, at least I’m having so much more fun here than at my previous job.

I guess I just need a constant reminder that that there isn’t anything that I could plan for the future that can guarantee the outcome that I want. And that life’s circumstances are really unexpected.

For now, I’m happy with work, with T; and mostly, with myself. Well, sometimes.

From the past

I found a poem written in Malay by myself when I was 17. That’s ten years ago.  Oh dear.  Anyway,  here it is. I just want to save it somewhere.

Hujan
Waktu pagi aku merenung,
Nun ke Timur permandangan mataku,
Hujan lebat kulihat di sekolah,
Menyebabkan gembira perasaan hatiku,
Kabus beredar awan pun timbul,
Gunung tidak kulihat lagi,
Mengapa oh hujan yang gemilang,
Menyebabkan ku lalaikan diri,
Kupandang awan sungguh gelap naiknya,
Kufikir hujan nya sampai ke petang,
Khayal diriku oleh nikmatnya,
Manatahu,  matahari pun datang!
Tidak ku sangka, tidak ku erti!
Di dalam awan mengandungi panas,
Hawa nafsu yang ku turuti,
Fikiran nikmat rupanya lawan! 

A new turn

I’m in a new country now. Just a friendly neighbour country that has a different career opportunity for me. Well, I’m not exactly looking for a career. Just something to drift me by and learn something new while I wait for the process for me to go to the US starts.

I’m trying to adjust myself now, but I find it rather difficult. Mostly because I’m currently staying in the place where I work at. I didn’t manage to find a room for rent before I came here, so I have to make do with a small corner at work. No privacy, no silence. At night, I am not allowed to switch on the air conditioner so, I bath in my own sweat every night. There’s no air flow in this place.

Honestly, it’s hard for me to say that I’m enjoying this. I found myself in fear of what will come next. Fear of not being able to deliver what my bosses want. But when I think about it, that’s how I’ve always been. So might as well just fuck it and do what I can.

I miss my cat terribly. I never missed him like this even when I travel for more than two weeks. I guess it’s because I know I won’t be able to spend more than two nights with him when I go back to visit. We’ve been inseparable since 2008.

The first night when I arrived I cried like a baby. I was so scared. It feels like I made a huge mistake and I just wanted to go home right then.

I like my privacy a lot. It’s only been day two and I already feel bad about my sleeping arrangement. I still smell like the luggage because I am not allowed to unpack. I have to pack up every morning when everyone come into work.

I don’t feel comfortable at all.

The thing that I am most afraid of right now is starting work. I will start working on Monday.

There’s so much to understand and plan for. I’m afraid. So afraid. But like my doctor always said, I have to buck up and face it. It’s not going anywhere. It needs to be done anyway.

I must take responsibility of my own decisions.

Tombie told me to tough it out for my sorrow in being apart with my cat.

I haven’t been able to shower properly since the day I arrived. The public bathrooms here are… well. I should stop complaining I think.

There are worse living conditions out there for other people. I only have to do this for the next two weeks because I’ve already found a room to stay. It’s a very comfortable room and I have so many plans to make it comfortably mine. I can’t wait to move in.

It’s going to be more than a month before I can go back to see my mom and cat. I hope they are both fine now. Sigh. I really miss falling asleep with my cat above my head.

I don’t know how things will be in the near future but now, I just want to be able to help out in this place and live comfortably.

It’s a drastic change of environment. I need time and moral support to go through it. I hope everything will be alright.

Life in game #7

Well well well. Backlogged as heck with the posts for my game. Most of these happened way back in February and March. So… yeah. Haha! Just enjoy the screenshots!

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Still using our old draught chocobo. :3

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Looking good! I kinda miss this hair.

 

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Welp, my net is lagging as heck. I’m suppose to be sitting on the Magitek…

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Doing silly Sylph quests! I am on my way to get my goobbue mount!

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Friggin Titan. Wait, is this Titan?

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Gilgamesh is modeled after Shibaraku! kabuki play!

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Doing Hildibrand quests! I think my character looks the mod badass during these line of quest! :3

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Doing my Scholar quests :3 I really like the backstory of Tonberries.

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Hanging out in Manderville Gold Saucer! That’s my fellow free company mate.

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I got a really cool book for my Summoner from a dungeon. :3

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My lalafellins! They are so friggin cute together!

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Just enjoying the spring air.

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Beautiful

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And finally! My wedding!!!!

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NERVOUS

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SO NERVOUS

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What a beautiful room.

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Relaxing before the big ceremony!

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Wooyeahhh! We picked really light colours for the decor and flowers.

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😀

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I missed the photos of him giving me the ring. ;A;

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WE ARE MARRIED!

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And now we seal this union with a kiss ❤

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❤ ❤ ❤

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Group photo with our guests! not many turn up but it’s okay! :3 the best people are here!

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Group photo with our mounts!!!!! Now we have the ceremony chocobo! So much nicer! But poor draught chocobo. 😦

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And then we went to ruin our new marriage with Triple Triad game. ;A;

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N’awwww I labyouuu

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Erm… yeah.

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hehe

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On to the next wedding! It’s the Steins’ wedding!!! Look at that confused opo-opo! XD

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Waiting!

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Their wedding is friggin cute!!! They had vows that includes all the elements in the game! Gawdd wish I took screenshot of them!

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D’awwwwwwwwww ❤

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Silliest group photo ever!!!!

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❤ So adorableee

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Burr and meh

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yay new hair and new outfit! Of course, I shut my eyes as I took a photo…

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Ruining our marriage again.

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Urm, my dear, you are too close for comfort…

 

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I can’t wait til the day I own one of these gorgeous!

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Yay new barding for Rocco!

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Screenshots during Hildi quest!

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huehuehue showing off my huge rock.

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OH yeah. THIS is Titan. Godammit.

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New outfit yay! Got it from raids, I think? That’s T behind me haha. Of coourse, I was closing my eyes again..

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Hehe my free company mates! Love them!

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OMG I laughed so hard at this quest.

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Also, the fact that he had blush on hahahahaha

 

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Hildi quest gives me the best expressions sometimes hehe

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Aghhhh i fucking love this game!!! They make all the cut scenes so individualistic!

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Stupid shit. I have a fucking instrument/weapon on my back but somehow I have another one to play as well wtf

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Weeeeeee I haven’t used this mount for so long!

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I AFK at this spot and my FC mate fed me chocobo feeds….

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Being nosy while they talk about things haha.

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Oh yeah I changed my hair. But I changed it again now, so it’s different again… Well you’ll get to see it next time!!!! ❤

I need to upload more current screenshots here! It’s been so much fun! I can’t wait til Heavensward is out. Initially I wanted to change to Au Ra but now I think I’m too attached to my Mi’qote! ;A; But will probably use Fantasia to change how I currently look. Make her taller too because she’s way too short now. T’s character can’t hug her properly ;A;

Well, that’s all for today! I’ll be back soon with more screenshots! :3 Thanks for looking. Have a good day!

Adulthood chapter 25

So, this is really weird.

I’ve just gave my boss my resignation letter. I think I’ve never felt better. It feels like I have two tonnes of weight off my shoulders. Phew.

Now, onto another chapter of my life. Job-hunting hahaha. Fml. Well, at least I’m not going to be stuck in a dead-end job, right? 🙂

Wish me luck.